I Lied About It

And I felt guilt. This was a legal document. I couldn’t put down the truth; it was embarrassing. Could the State of California actually care? Odds are, you’ve probably fibbed your driver’s license weight, too.

Nurse: “Hi Allison. What are you being seen for today?” *Insert any illness (mild, chronic, Munchausen) or injury here*.

Nurse: “And how tall are you?” Whatever height, combined with my current weight, puts me into a healthy BMI range.

“Thin people are beautiful, but fat people are adorable”

Jackie Gleason

It wasn’t until about 3 years ago, when I read the following statement, that I finally cut myself some slack. Weight will be a battle that you battle your whole life. Well isn’t that special?!? Such a fun thing to look forward to. Whole life. The more that I pondered that opinion, the more I was released from the lifelong guilt of weight gain, weight loss, gain, loss, gain. Don’t get me wrong, there’s still consequences, and I’m not flippant about my health. Gain, loss, gain, loss, gain, gain, gain. It’s only getting more difficult to get it off, and keep it off. Gain, loss, gain. But, the guilt of the rollercoaster is less, and the anticipation of success has become greater. This could be a good thing.

The most vivid memories of my 1980’s/90’s childhood consist of Dad’s race car and car parts in the garage, Mom’s ceramic creations and kiln, & Richard Simmons: Sweatin’ to the Oldies. But, oh, it didn’t stop there. Who else remembers Kathy Smith, Susan Powter (google her, she’s still around), Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers (pre-Oprah), Fen-Phen, SlimFast, Dexatrim, Jazzercize, and Deal-a-Meal? You know you’re an 80’s kid when you have a dance-off-esque moment with a teammate at work; but it’s not dance moves, it’s Sweatin’ to the Oldies workout moves. And we nailed it. Even 3 different bouts of Mononucleosis didn’t turn me into a runway model (yes, 3, acute & chronic, long story). Unfortunately, this stroll down memory lane also makes me sad. My childhood consisted of a weight-rollercoaster, which would carry over into adulthood.

Girlfriends usually enjoy shopping for clothing with each other, except for my best friend. Jeans + Allison = Depression. Sometimes anger, tears, regret; then we go out to lunch. Being disproportionate doesn’t help either. Back in the 90’s, while working retail sales, I had a wonderful male co-worker who was nerdy, and a bit… flamboyant. I would consider him the original “witty & pretty”. While wrapping up a customer’s purchase, placing the receipt in her bag of clothing, and attempting to spit out “have a nice day”, my coworker buddy approached my register. Without hesitation, with lisp, and without volume control, he blurted out “how’s my girlfriend whose ass you could serve tea off of?”. I’ll just leave this story right there. You can imagine the reactions from everyone within earshot.

Fast forward to my 30’s. While I was up and away from my console at work, probably hitting the fax machine or printer, my boss calls out to me (and loud enough for the rest of my coworkers to hear). “Oh, Allison. I’m looking at Consumer Reports online. They have a new article on diets and which ones work. Come here.” So, I appease the request. “They say Weight Watchers is number 1. You’ve done that one, right? Which other ones have you done? And which diets do you want to try?”

Thanks.

Add food to the equation. Mom cooked with Paula-Deen-amounts of butter and cream (sans the racial slurs). Delicious meals were the way to a man’s heart, according to how I saw my Dad react at dinner time. He had a full stomach, and my Mom beamed with pride. Unfortunately, I married a man who doesn’t remotely think about delicacies, while I preplan (and lust) about a dinner menu, days in advance. Food, glorious food.

“It’s just diet and exercise”

said no one with a weight problem ever

I lied again. It is diet and exercise. It’s also stress, circumstance, mental state, age, situation, willpower, want, drive, addictions, health, wealth, and if the planets are aligned. Whatever the excuse or reason, deep down you know it’s still possible to reach your ‘Lie Weight’; just don’t beat yourself up over your past (or current) situation! It’s self-defeating and makes you feel even worse. For me, mindset has been the biggest issue. If you’re happy where you are, good. If you need to do better for yourself, change. Food is an amazingly fast-acting anti-anxiety drug (and ironically, exercise is the best anti-depressant). Bloated and depressed is not where I want to be.

So, yeah, I had lied. But, there has been ONE time in my life where it wasn’t a lie; even if it was only for a short time. I had made it to my DMV-declared, little white lie-weight that was listed on my Driver’s License. It was short-lived, but it happened once. The Medifast/Optavia plan was a game-changer. The State of California never came knocking at my door to weigh me, and I never had a cop question me about it on a traffic stop. It’s going to be a lifelong battle. I know that if I succeeded at that goal once, I could achieve it again.

“The best weight you’ll ever lose is the weight of other peoples’ opinions of you”

unknown, wish it was me

What are your goals and why are they your goals? What are your BS excuses and what what are your true roadblocks? Identify those before you do anything else. It is doable. Skip the Halloween candy, get your body healthy by Thanksgiving, give your family your best self, and look & feel good by Christmas. Try, try again. Keto time. I love who I am no matter the scale, but I like myself better when I’m healthy. I hate rollercoasters.

2 thoughts on “I Lied About It

  1. Allison: Wanna go shopping?
    Laura: Hell yes what are we shopping for?
    Allison: Jeans
    Laura: Um did you say right now? I forgot I have a thing! Sorry!

    I still love you though 🥰🤣😂

    Like

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